


shits definitely got a certain bouquet of jpeg artifact to it not to mention its strong as hell i think we invented something beautiful and terrible here today

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24963430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Dirk get drunk.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 97
Kudos: 307





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Made with homestuck5.com](http://www.homestuck5.com/)

DAVE: dude thats so fucking sick oh my god theres no way were not doing that  
KARKAT: I’M BACK!  
DAVE: whoa  
DAVE: karkat!  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: HEY DIRK.  
DIRK: Sup.  
DAVE: karkat youre back  
DAVE: karkat karkat karkat  
DAVE: cmere dude  
KARKAT: WHOA.  
KARKAT: WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE BOTTLES?  
DAVE: whats up with them  
DAVE: is  
DAVE: theyre empty  
DIRK: Because we drank them.  
DAVE: yep thats exactly right theyre empty because we drank them  
DAVE: or really we drank what was in them and what was in them was...  
DAVE: man i dont even KNOW  
DIRK: It was at least _supposed_ to be Miller Lite.  
DAVE: yeah i mean we were shootin for shitty beer for optimal ironic dude bonding purposes obviously  
DIRK: Obviously.  
DAVE: but i think we mighta kind of missed the mark  
DIRK: Yeah, something’s off.  
DAVE: shits definitely got a certain bouquet of jpeg artifact to it not to mention its strong as hell  
DAVE: i think we invented something beautiful and terrible here today karkat  
DIRK: Absolutely.  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT.  
KARKAT: SO YOU’RE DRUNK?  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?  
DAVE: oh yeah big time  
DAVE: cMERE  
DAVE: i missed you man  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
DIRK: I’m not drunk, for the record.  
DAVE: pfff  
DIRK: I’m just keeping an eye on Dave.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: THANKS, DIRK.  
DIRK: No problem, man.  
DAVE: what the fuck dude are you serious  
DAVE: dont listen to him karkat  
DAVE: hes been drinkin right along with me man youve been drinkin right along with me youre drunk as hell youre not keepin an eye on shit  
DIRK: I promise you, I’m not.  
DAVE: not what  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: youre not keepin an eye on me or youre not drunk  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: The latter.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Definitely.  
DAVE: karkat the dude is so fuckin faded its unreal  
DIRK: No I’m not.  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
DAVE: now cmere  
DAVE: get your ass over here  
KARKAT: OK  
DAVE: yeah!  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: <3  
DAVE: you were gone so long!  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: I REALLY WASN’T.  
DAVE: yes you were you were gone all afternoon thats not cool man  
DAVE: <3  
DIRK: Pretty uncool, man.  
DAVE: yeah see dirk knows cool hes the new reigning expert he says so so you know its true thats just science its irrefutable  
KARKAT: SORRY I WAS SO UNCOOL.  
DAVE: thats ok karkat i forgive you its not actually a big deal <3  
KARKAT: HA!  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
KARKAT: SO, WHAT?  
KARKAT: YOU MISSED ME SO MUCH YOU STARTED DRINKING?  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: i mean yeah  
DAVE: both of those things are totally happening but those are like  
DAVE: parallel existences  
DAVE: totally different timelines  
DAVE: theyre non-co-influential  
DAVE: tell him dirk  
DIRK: I wouldn’t say they’re non-co-influential.  
DIRK: Because that isn’t a thing.  
DAVE: it totally is  
DIRK: But they are two unrelated events that are totally goin’ down right now.  
KARKAT: OK  
DIRK: We _are_ partaking of the great brotherly tradition of kickin’ back with a chilled beverage.  
DAVE: yeah its a tradition we made up  
DIRK: We did pretty much just make it up.  
DIRK: We’ve both seen it happen in movies, though, so we’re goin’ with it.  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DIRK: And, simultaneously, Dave _has_ missed you, and hasn’t stopped shoehorning you into the conversation every chance he gets.  
DAVE: dude what the fuck  
DAVE: im not shoehorning shit  
DAVE: were talkin about all varieties of stuff including but not limited to this guy <3 right here <3 who is my number <3 one <3 guy <3 ok  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: HAHA OK  
DAVE: those shoes are unhorned  
DAVE: theyre way too small for your nasty swollen feet  
DAVE: youre never gettin em on you better just give up pass em on to somebodys got little baby feet  
DIRK: For sale, baby shoes, never worn.  
DAVE: exactly  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK  
DAVE: (i have no fuckin clue hes full of stuff like that just go with it its easier <3)  
DIRK: It’s,  
DIRK: Ummmmmmmm,  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Ernest Hemingway.  
DAVE: oh hey there you go karkat its ernest hemingway see we got to the bottom of it after all  
KARKAT: THANK GOD.  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: dude you know ernest hemingway  
DIRK: Personally?  
DIRK: No.  
DAVE: ahahah  
DIRK: Haha!  
DAVE: no i just mean you know of him like you know his life and times  
DIRK: Kind of?  
DIRK: I’m no expert.  
DIRK: I wouldn’t go so far as to say I know his life _and_ times.  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: so you dont know if he was gay  
DIRK: I-  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: nothin i just got this longstanding hemingway headcanon thought maybe we could clear it up once and for all here  
DIRK: You have Hemingway headcanons?  
DAVE: yeah well canon singular its pretty much just the one  
DIRK: Why do you have a...  
DIRK: A one Hemingway headcanon?  
DAVE: i donno a mans gotta have his headcanons god damn  
DAVE: why the fuck shouldnt they be about my main man hway  
KARKAT: DIRK, I’M JUST GONNA BUTT IN HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT DAVE DOESN’T KNOW A SINGLE GODDAMN THING ABOUT ERNEST HEMINGWAY.  
DAVE: that is so not true karkat how dare you  
DAVE: i know he was gay we know that for a fact dirk just told us  
DIRK: Did I?  
DIRK: I don’t think I did.  
KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T.  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: well was he  
DIRK: What?  
DIRK: Gay?  
DAVE: yeah obviously  
DIRK: I don’t think so.  
DIRK: That seems like something I would know if it were available to be known.  
DAVE: yeah i bet you would  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: wonk  
DIRK: Dave, man, are you insinuating that if I’d been around 500 years earlier I would have gotten with Ernest Hemingway?  
DAVE: shit i donno would you have  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Maybe.  
DAVE: hahahahhaha  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: yeah ok so long dead writers of the great american classics who dirk may or may not have totally hooked up with aside  
DIRK: All zero of them.  
DAVE: yeah all zero of them  
DAVE: were havin a good time here karkat we are just chillin out in the truest purest dopest brotherliest sense of the word  
KARKAT: OK  
DAVE: were just throwin down on lifes great mysteries tryna finally get a handle on the ultimate riddle figure out if that ever was actually a thing or just historys greatest mcmuffin  
DIRK: MacGuffin.  
DAVE: yeah macguffin  
DAVE: either way were totally gonna get to the bottom of it  
DIRK: Hell yeah.  
DAVE: gonna eat the shit outta that muffin  
DIRK: Dude.  
DIRK: It’s Guffin.  
DAVE: dude what the fuck is a guffin  
DIRK: It’s like...  
DIRK: Uh...  
DIRK: The Maltese Falcon.  
DAVE: oh my god what theres a bird involved is this about fuckin bird me is this about davesprite  
DIRK: No, it’s not about Davesprite.  
DAVE: rip  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: hey at least he got to be the ultimate riddle thats pretty cool  
DIRK: No, it’s not about him.  
DAVE: so its about a different bird hm was anybody else ever a bird  
DIRK: No.  
DIRK: Nobody else was a bird.  
DIRK: It’s the _Maltese_ Bird.  
DIRK: Falcon.  
DIRK: The Maltese Falcon.  
DIRK: History’s great McMuffin.  
DAVE: dude i thought it was guffin  
DIRK: It is.  
DAVE: yeah but you said mcmuffin man were back on the muffins again  
DIRK: I definitely didn’t.  
DAVE: you so did  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: hey what about puffin thats a bird  
DIRK: Hmm.  
DAVE: historys great mcpuffin  
DAVE: the ultimate mcpuffin  
DIRK: You know, no one knows where puffins went in the winter.  
DAVE: really  
DIRK: Yeah, they would migrate out to sea for months and scientists couldn’t track them.  
DIRK: It was a huge intriguing mystery that never got solved.  
DAVE: thats really cool  
DAVE: puffins just had their own thing goin on huh  
DIRK: They totally did.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: maybe thats the ultimate riddle  
DIRK: D:  
DAVE: yeah it is it definitely is  
DIRK: It’s... probably not.  
DIRK: We made a pretty big thematic leap just based on rhyming schemes, there.  
DAVE: yeah but its better than anything else we came up with i say lets call it puffins and put a pin in it for now  
DAVE: also karkats clearly bored as shit here the dudes driftin off  
DIRK: Oh fuck.  
DIRK: Sorry, Karkat.  
KARKAT: HM?  
DAVE: sorry we solved the ultimate riddle without you man <3  
KARKAT: HAHA  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THIS IS HONESTLY KIND OF FASCINATING.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: *YEAH.*  
KARKAT: WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING ABOUT?  
DAVE: i donno what else have we been talkin about  
DIRK: Umm.  
DIRK: We hit on philosophy for a while.  
DAVE: yeah but that fuckin sucked karkat doesnt wanna hear that  
DIRK: God damn.  
KARKAT: HAHAHA  
DAVE: ummmmmmmmm  
DAVE: oh yeah  
DAVE: dirks teachin me how to be gay  
DIRK: Pffffffff!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
DAVE: wait  
DIRK: Dude.  
DIRK: Seriously?  
DAVE: oh my god  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DAVE: jesus fuckin christ not like that  
DAVE: ahahahah holy shit that is so the plot of a terrible porno  
DAVE: and by “a porno” i actually mean probably like ten million pornos  
DIRK: Oh, at least.  
DIRK: In fact, if you’re on the hunt for gay incest porn, I think you’ll have a hard time finding anything that _isn’t_ about that.  
DAVE: ahahaha  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DAVE: oh shit wait karkat doesnt understand any of this  
DAVE: gayness and incest those are like the two main troll no fly zones  
DAVE: and by that i mean total fly zones they dont even have fuckin words for it  
DAVE: were just talkin gibberish in front of him  
DAVE: im so sorry dude <3  
DAVE: im sorry we went all human on you there <3  
KARKAT: HAHAHA  
KARKAT: IT’S OK DAVE.  
KARKAT: I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS.  
KARKAT: I CAN PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS UNDERSTAND YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING HUMAN.  
DAVE: ok phew  
DIRK: I could use more troll words.  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!  
DAVE: oh yeah dude dirks fluent in alternian  
DAVE: cuz hes from the future  
DAVE: you want him to throw in some troll flavor he could he totally could  
DAVE: i can do it too  
DAVE: because i learned your native tongue because i love you so much  
DAVE: we can all just start throwin around glance nuggets  
DAVE: and  
DAVE: fuckin  
DAVE: strut nubs  
KARKAT: HAHAHA  
DAVE: wow some words i barely even fuckin remember the human word for  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: load gaper  
DAVE: what the fuck is load gaper  
DIRK: Toilet.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: yes  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: i havent said toilet in years what is up with that whyd i latch onto that one so much thats so weird  
DIRK: I have a theory.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: when you said that you sounded so much like rose all the synapses in my head fired at once and i got it i finally figured it out  
DAVE: god damn it  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: anyway karkat you want us to do that  
DAVE: you want us to start talkin alternian  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK, DAVE.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN JUST TALK HUMAN.  
KARKAT: I’LL GET IT.  
DAVE: you sure dude  
KARKAT: SO SURE.  
DAVE: okaaaaaaay  
DAVE: if you say so  
DAVE: but seriously just tell us if we start gettin too humany on you ok  
DAVE: i dont wanna leave you out  
DAVE: i really want you to feel included here <3  
KARKAT: DON’T WORRY, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I FEEL INCLUDED.  
DAVE: good <3  
DAVE: anyway what were we talkin about  
DIRK: Incest porn.  
DAVE: ahahaha thats right  
DAVE: i said you were teachin me how to be gay good fuckin GOD  
DAVE: turns out daves fuckin 24 hour incestuous bonergoof reel knows no gender it is an equal opportunity employer thank fuck i was wonderin when that was gonna come up  
DAVE: i was scared my subconscious self owns were harboring a deep seated sexism but nope solved that one  
DIRK: Maybe _that’s_ the ultimate riddle.  
DAVE: holy shit maybe it is  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DAVE: anyway yeah karkat get your head outta the gutter this shit is totally innocent this is a family affair  
DIRK: “Family Affair” is definitely the name of at least one incest porno.  
DAVE: ahahahahaha  
DAVE: oh my god it absolutely is  
DAVE: well fuck me thats not gonna work either then  
DAVE: karkat how do i explain to you that this is all good clean fun what can i possibly do to convince you  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: YOU CAN JUST TELL ME THAT.  
DAVE: oh shit  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I EVER INSINUATED ANYTHING ELSE.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS ALL YOU TWO.  
DAVE: it was?  
KARKAT: YEAH WHEN YOU SAID DIRK’S “TEACHING YOU HOW TO BE GAY.”  
DAVE: hahahhaha  
DIRK: Hahahaha!  
KARKAT: WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT COULD POSSIBLY MEAN.  
DAVE: dude i just mean hes helpin me figure out how to tell people  
DAVE: like a good big brother whos exactly the same age as me  
DAVE: all dolin out advice  
DAVE: dishin out wisdom  
DAVE: from the great  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: mountain of homosexuality  
DIRK: Holy shit that’s an amazing name.  
DIRK: We are absolutely naming one of our new mountains that.  
DAVE: oh no doubt  
DIRK: Yesss.  
DAVE: so see karkat you dont gotta worry about a thing  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I WAS EVER WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING.  
KARKAT: APART FROM THE FACT THAT YOU’RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS ON FUCKING JPEG BEER.  
DAVE: awww good  
DAVE: <3  
DIRK: Karkat, you don’t have to worry about anything on that front either.  
DIRK: I’ve been taking excellent care of him.  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE?  
DIRK: Absolutely.  
DIRK: His heart rate is being monitored.  
DIRK: He’s staying hydrated.  
DIRK: All weapons have been safely relegated to that pile over there.  
KARKAT: OH GREAT YOU MADE A WEAPON PILE.  
DIRK: Yep.  
DIRK: Totally under control.  
DIRK: I promise I won’t let anything happen to Dave while he’s under the influence.  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
DAVE: oh what the fuck dude  
DAVE: youre under the influence too  
DAVE: that influence is all towerin over you doin a victory dance it influenced your ass straight into the ground  
DIRK: I’m one hundred percent in command of my faculties.  
DAVE: cmon dude dont even lie it took you like a whole point seven five seconds to attribute that hemingway quote a minute ago  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DAVE: yeah thats right i know were still gettin acquainted and all youre not like a total open book  
DAVE: but from what little i do know im pretty sure thats like the dirk equivalent of droppin trou in times square  
DIRK: Oh my _god_.  
DAVE: face it youre gone  
DIRK: _Am_ I?  
DAVE: ahaha yeah pretty sure you are dude  
DIRK: Holy _shit_.  
DIRK: Maybe I _am_.  
DAVE: i mean you definitely a hundred percent are youre wasted  
DAVE: but its cool were not gonna judge were all family here  
DAVE: right karkat  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.  
DAVE: aw oh my god youre so understanding dude i love you so much  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: HA  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU TOO, DAVE.  
KARKAT: <3  
KARKAT: HOW ARE YOU DOING, DIRK?  
KARKAT: YOU OK?  
DIRK: I...  
DIRK: Think so?  
DAVE: ok full disclosure dirks never ever been drunk before  
DAVE: dudes never even tasted alcohol  
DAVE: shits hella verboten when youre livin all alone in the middle of the ocean tryna keep the hounds of despair at bay  
KARKAT: DAVE, HOLY SHIT.  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: No, it’s cool.  
DIRK: Dave’s not out of line or anything.  
DIRK: That’s exactly what I said to him earlier.  
DAVE: hell yeah thats a direct quote  
DAVE: you think im gonna be talkin bout the “hounds of despair”  
DAVE: thats all this guy here  
DIRK: It’s so true.  
DAVE: yeah karkat you know me im more about  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: the dongs of despair  
DIRK: Oh, that’s good.  
KARKAT: HAHAHA JESUS.  
DAVE: thanks man  
DAVE: anyway yeah the whole point is dirk doesnt really know what hes doin when it comes to self destructive tendencies of the external variety  
DAVE: so im showin him the ropes  
KARKAT: THE ROPES?  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: YOU’VE HAD YOUR WEIRD HUMAN SOPORIFICS EXACTLY ONCE.  
KARKAT: I REMEMBER IT *VIVIDLY.*  
DAVE: yeah one more than dirk  
DAVE: im showin my kid brother how its done  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DAVE: oh holy shit dude i should be teachin you shit  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: uhhh  
DAVE: can you ride a bike  
DIRK: In theory, sure.  
DAVE: in theory what the fuck does that mean  
DIRK: I mean I’ve read about the mechanics.  
DIRK: I understand the castor and gyroscopic effects.  
DIRK: How hard could it possibly be?  
DAVE: oh my god dude it is SO much harder than you think its gonna be trust me  
DAVE: youre gonna suck at it so fucking much  
DIRK: No way.  
DAVE: uhh thats totally wrong  
DAVE: and as your long lost father figure its my sacred duty to show you why  
DAVE: not to mention its gonna be  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: bonding and shit  
DIRK: Oh man, that sounds so great.  
DAVE: fuck we gotta do this this is so happening  
DAVE: we need a bike  
DAVE: karkat do you have a bike  
DAVE: i mean a two wheel device  
KARKAT: NO, I DON’T HAVE A TWO WHEEL DEVICE, DAVE.  
DAVE: never forget the troll words  
KARKAT: *OR* A BIKE.  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HAVE A BIKE?  
DAVE: shit cuz we got a whole planet we got all this spaaace now why do you think  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: we gotta have a two wheel device gang  
DIRK: !  
DAVE: its gonna be our family gang  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
DAVE: hell yeah were just gonna roam the land in perfect interspecies interdimensional harmony spreading love and peace its gonna be so amazing  
DIRK: Yes.  
DAVE: yes  
DIRK: Hell.  
DAVE: fucking  
DIRK: Yes.  
DAVE: dirk you HAVE to learn to ride a two wheel device stat  
DAVE: i mean well wait for you obviously were not just gonna leave you behind were not dicks youre a key part of this organization youre fucking essential  
DAVE: but seriously man hurry up the trains leavin the station  
DAVE: the trains made outta bikes btw  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: Absolutely.  
KARKAT: WHOA!  
DIRK: Let’s fuckin’ do this.  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NOW?  
DIRK: Hell yeah!  
DIRK: C’mon, Dave!  
DIRK: Teach me how to ride a bike!  
DAVE: oh HELL yeah  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NO NO NO NO.  
KARKAT: GUYS.  
KARKAT: WE DON’T HAVE A BIKE, REMEMBER?  
DAVE: oh nooo thats right  
DIRK: Fuck!  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
KARKAT: SO HOW ABOUT EVERYBODY JUST  
KARKAT: SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN.  
DIRK: Arrgh.  
DAVE: bluh  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: WHY DON’T WE DO THAT TOMORROW?  
KARKAT: BRIGHT AND EARLY.  
KARKAT: WE’LL  
KARKAT: I GUESS  
KARKAT: ALCHEMIZE A TWO WHEEL DEVICE.  
KARKAT: SINCE THAT’S DEFINITELY WHAT SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF THE DOCKET PUTTING OUR NEW PLANET TOGETHER.  
DIRK: Shit yes.  
DAVE: oh my god i love that idea  
DAVE: karkat i love you so much  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: HEH  
KARKAT: SO I’VE HEARD.  
DAVE: yeah i mean you know that obviously im always tellin you that <3  
DAVE: but now dirk knows it too i was tellin him all about you <3  
DAVE: i was a little worried itd be weird tbh  
KARKAT: WHY?  
DAVE: cuz he wouldnt wanna be hearin all about love  
KARKAT: OH NO.  
DAVE: cuz hes got his own junk goin on  
KARKAT: DAVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
DAVE: (relationshipways)  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: SORRY DIRK.  
DIRK: Naw, it’s cool.  
DIRK: We’ve been wrestlin’ that whole mess to the ground, too.  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: yeah we were  
DAVE: weve been all pourin one out for relationships that are currently at this exact moment in a state of being dead  
KARKAT: UHH  
DAVE: but who knows  
DAVE: it could be one of those schroders cat type situations  
DIRK: Schrödinger.  
DAVE: yeah that  
DIRK: And that’s not how that works.  
DAVE: oh  
DIRK: The whole point of Schrödinger’s cat is that you can’t observe it.  
DIRK: This cat’s been all kinds of observed.  
DIRK: And it’s dead.  
DIRK: Just,  
DIRK: Flattened under a truck.  
KARKAT: UM.  
DIRK: It’s like, man, who left that box fulla cat out in the road in rush hour traffic?  
DIRK: What’d they expect?  
DIRK: This is not a 50/50 situation.  
DAVE: aw dirk its ok  
DAVE: think of it this way that cats just flat for the time being  
DAVE: like if our bullshit existence has taught us anything its that being dead doesnt mean shit you know  
DAVE: you can be just a total road pancake all your guts and viscera at one with the asphalt  
DAVE: and you can still go on about your business you can scope out all the latest fashions and kick it with your homies  
DAVE: yknow  
DIRK: Sigh.  
DIRK: Yeah, I guess that is technically the kind of total bullshit that governs our existence.  
DAVE: hell yeah it is thats the spirit  
DAVE: (were talkin bout jake btw)  
KARKAT: (YEAH. I GATHERED.)  
DAVE: (shits so sad)  
KARKAT: (I DON’T REALLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.)  
KARKAT: (BUT YEAH)  
KARKAT: (I GUESS IT DOES SOUND SAD.)  
DIRK: You guys know I can hear everything you’re saying, right?  
DAVE: oh yeah fuck karkat doesnt know how to whisper sorry dirk  
DIRK: I can totally hear both of you.  
KARKAT: YEAH DAVE, YOU’RE BEING REALLY FUCKING LOUD.  
DAVE: oh fuck  
KARKAT: IF ANYTHING YOU’RE BEING *LOUDER.*  
DAVE: fuuuck  
DAVE: dirk im so sorry man  
DIRK: It’s okay.  
DIRK: It’s not like you’re sayin’ anything new.  
DAVE: oh my god dude im sorry we were havin such a killer time here shit  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: karkat what the fuck you should totally help  
KARKAT: WITH WHAT?  
DAVE: with dirks breakup problems obviously youre the romance guy youre all about relationships you know whats up  
DAVE: dirk karkats so good at this dont even worry hes gonna know exactly what to do  
KARKAT: I’M REALLY NOT SURE-  
DAVE: cmon karkat just lay some wisdom on him have a spin on mount homosexuality  
KARKAT: THAT ISN’T A THING FOR-  
DAVE: i knowwwwwww  
DAVE: i know its not just  
DAVE: cmon dude you know what i mean  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: do him a solid  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW IF NOW’S REALLY THE TIME.  
DAVE: what why  
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE BOTH WASTED, THAT’S WHY.  
DAVE: so thats perfect its the time for like  
DAVE: baring your soul to the world  
DAVE: hey dirk when youre sober how much do you go around barin your soul to the world how often do you do that  
DIRK: I really try not to make a habit of it.  
DAVE: yeah see he really tries not to make a habit of it nows the perfect time you got him right where you want him  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT HIM ANYWHERE.  
DAVE: come onnnnn  
KARKAT: SIIGHH.  
KARKAT: DIRK, DO YOU EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS?  
DIRK: Not really.  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: GREAT  
KARKAT: THERE WE GO  
DIRK: I guess the way he's acting is just a little fucking confusing, is all.  
KARKAT: OH BOY.  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: GUESS WE’RE DOING THIS.  
DAVE: awesome  
DIRK: I mean, I wouldn’t call our breakup “amicable” by any means.  
DIRK: Or even, like, the least bit dignified.  
DIRK: For Christ’s sake, I had a can of orange soda stuck to my head. I mean fuuuuuck.  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: oh my god dude its a whole thing  
DIRK: Yeah it is, but it was all soooo fuckin' stupid and I’m not at all in the mood to go into it again.  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: THAT’S FINE.  
DIRK: The bottom line is that it was messy, and weird, and exceedingly fucking stupid.  
DIRK: It was memorable.  
DIRK: It was _soooo_ fucking memorable.  
DIRK: And Jake...  
DIRK: Jake’s acting as though it didn’t even _happen_.  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: HE’S ACTING LIKE YOU NEVER BROKE UP?  
DAVE: oh man we WISH  
KARKAT: OK DAVE  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT YOU LET DIRK ACTUALLY TELL ME?  
DAVE: oh yeah shit sorry  
DAVE: just like  
DAVE: tryna show solidarity with my dad slash brother here  
DIRK: Thanks, man.  
DIRK: I really appreciate it.  
DAVE: you know i gotchu  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: cool  
DIRK: Cool.  
DAVE: so cool  
DIRK: The coolest.  
DAVE: coo-  
KARKAT: OHHH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: SO  
KARKAT: GETTING BACK ON TRACK.  
KARKAT: WHAT IS HE NOT ACKNOWLEDGING, EXACTLY?  
DIRK: Oh, just our entire fuckin’ relationship.  
KARKAT: OH.  
DIRK: He’s acting like we’re best bros again.  
DIRK: Which, to be perfectly frank, I’d be fine with. I'd be so down for that... possibly.  
DIRK: I mean, I _should_ be down for it.  
DIRK: It’s definitely more than I deserve, given how soundly I fucked everything up trying to be his boyfriend.  
DAVE: whoa thats totally not true  
KARKAT: YEAH, DAVE’S RIGHT, ACTUALLY.  
DAVE: nice  
KARKAT: I ASSUME.  
KARKAT: I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW A SINGLE GODDAMN THING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH EGBERT THE ELDER.  
KARKAT: BUT I SINCERELY DOUBT IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.  
KARKAT: ESPECIALLY GIVEN HOW IT SOUNDS LIKE HE’S BEING KIND OF A DOUCHE TO YOU RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: god DAMN karkat comin in with the big guns this is exactly what we needed this was the best idea  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: KEEP GOING, DIRK.  
DIRK: So now apparently we’re best bros again, which is great and all, I think I'd be cool with that,  
DIRK: Being the course of events,  
DIRK: That are happening,  
DIRK: With us.  
KARKAT: UH HUH.  
DIRK: Except...  
DIRK: I have no fuckin’ idea how to be around him like that.  
DIRK: We were friends for years and years and years, and that was great.  
DIRK: It was so great.  
DIRK: But all that time we only ever talked online.  
DIRK: Living in different centuries kind of puts a damper on casual meetups.  
DAVE: that is so true karkat and i lived in different universes for years before we met or i guess it was just years for me for him it was-  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
DAVE: oh  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T ABOUT THAT.  
DAVE: oh my god right sorry shit keep goin dirk fuck ill be quiet  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
KARKAT: GO ON, DIRK.  
DIRK: Okay, so the whole thing is...  
DIRK: The second Jake and I met in person, we were dating.  
DIRK: Like...  
DIRK: Bam!  
DIRK: Like that.  
DIRK: You know?  
KARKAT: MM HMM.  
DAVE: totally  
DIRK: Actually... if you want to get technical with it in a deliberately obtuse way purely for comedic effect,  
DAVE: yessss  
DIRK: If you wanna go down that stupid fucking road, we kind of started dating _before_ I even met him, because when we had our first kiss I was dead.  
DIRK: And also just a head.  
DIRK: And also kind of some glasses that aren't really me.  
KARKAT: O...KAY.  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: So fast forward to the other side of me completely running our relationship into the ground,  
DAVE: so not true  
DIRK: It is definitely true.  
DIRK: Fast forward to that time.  
DIRK: Which is,  
DIRK: You know,  
DIRK: Now.  
KARKAT: MM HMM.  
DIRK: Now there’s this guy I’m supposed to be friends with,  
DIRK: But I’ve literally never been in the same room, not to mention century as him, and _not_ been his boyfriend.  
DIRK: And as a consequence, I have nooo fuckin’ idea how to act around him.  
DIRK: I’m terrified of screwing it up and losing what little we have left.  
DIRK: So I’m taking all my cues from him.  
DIRK: But his cues are kind of,  
DIRK: Um...  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Fucking killing me?  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: man  
DAVE: FUCK jake!  
KARKAT: WHOA!  
DIRK: Um.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: sorry dirk  
DAVE: i know you still  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: love him or whatever  
DAVE: maybe  
DAVE: but you know  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: DAMN  
KARKAT: WOW, DAVE.  
KARKAT: WHY’D YOU EVEN BRING ME IN HERE FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE?  
KARKAT: YOU’RE HANDLING THIS SO FUCKING WELL ON YOUR OWN.  
DAVE: fuuuuck  
DAVE: im sorry  
KARKAT: YOU’VE GOT ALL THE WISDOM.  
DAVE: noo  
KARKAT: YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT A TURN ON THAT STUPID FUCKING GAY MOUNTAIN YOU TWO ARE SO JAZZED ABOUT?  
DAVE: noo  
DAVE: i dont deserve it  
DAVE: im sorry dirk  
DIRK: It’s okay, Dave.  
DAVE: im so sorry  
DAVE: i got shit ass relationship advice  
DAVE: because i have the best fucking boyfriend  
KARKAT: OH JESUS.  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: just cmere man  
KARKAT: OH  
DAVE: smack smack  
KARKAT: OK  
DAVE: mmmmmmm  
KARKAT: YOU COMFY?  
DAVE: mm hmm  
KARKAT: ARE YOU  
KARKAT: ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP, DAVE?  
DAVE: mm hmm  
DAVE: krrrktttt  
DAVE: yourthbssst  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: SHIT  
KARKAT: SORRY DIRK.  
KARKAT: I GUESS IT’S JUST US NOW.  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: I’ll go.  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S FINE.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN STAY.  
DIRK: Okay.  
KARKAT: SO I HAVE SOME ADVICE, BUT YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT GONNA LIKE IT.  
KARKAT: IT MIGHT NOT BE THAT MUCH BETTER THAN DAVE’S.  
DIRK: Dude.  
DIRK: No.  
DIRK: There’s no fucking way that’s true, and I refuse to believe it.  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
KARKAT: OK IT *IS* BETTER THAN YELLING FUCK JAKE AND PASSING THE FUCK OUT.  
DIRK: _Thank fuckin’ god_.  
KARKAT: BUT IT’S NOT  
KARKAT: LIKE  
KARKAT: GROUNDBREAKING OR ANYTHING  
DIRK: That’s fine, that’s so fine.  
DIRK: Hit me.  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: SO WITH ALL THAT IN MIND  
KARKAT: I THINK  
KARKAT: HONESTLY?  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD TELL JAKE WHAT YOU TOLD ME.  
DIRK: Uggggg.  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
KARKAT: I DID WARN YOU.  
DIRK: About the stairssss.  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD.  
DIRK: Fuuuck.  
DIRK: Sorry.  
DIRK: You were saying?  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: LOOK  
KARKAT: KEEP IN MIND I DON’T KNOW THIS GUY AT ALL.  
KARKAT: I THINK THE BIGGEST INTERACTION WE’VE HAD SO FAR IS WHEN HE CALLED DAVE AND ME  
KARKAT: AND I QUOTE  
KARKAT: “A PAIR OF FLIBBERTIGIBBETS.”  
DIRK: Hahahaha oh my fucking _god_!  
DIRK: That sounds about right.  
KARKAT: YEAH, DAVE DID *NOT* THINK THAT WORD MEANT WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS.  
KARKAT: WE ALMOST HAD A PROBLEM.  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
KARKAT: ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH I DON’T KNOW THIS GUY  
KARKAT: IF I HAD TO GUESS  
KARKAT: I’D SAY HE’S PROBABLY JUST REALLY FUCKING NERVOUS AROUND YOU.  
KARKAT: I MEAN IT'S BEEN WHAT?  
KARKAT: A FUCKING WEEK SINCE YOU BROKE UP.  
KARKAT: *AND* SINCE YOU ALMOST DIED AND THEN INHERITED A UNIVERSE TOGETHER.  
DIRK: It’s weird fuckin’ times, man.  
KARKAT: IT SURE AS SHIT IS.  
KARKAT: SO YEAH.  
KARKAT: HE’S PROBABLY ALL SHAKEN UP IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.  
KARKAT: AND JUST LOOKING FOR A LITTLE NORMALCY.  
DIRK: Well shit.  
DIRK: If you put it like that, shouldn’t I just give it to him?  
KARKAT: NORMALCY?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: Don’t I owe him that much?  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: NOT IF IT’S FUCKING KILLING YOU.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Fuuuuuck.  
KARKAT: I'M SERIOUS.  
KARKAT: JUST TALK TO HIM.  
KARKAT: AT THE VERY LEAST MAYBE YOU CAN GET BACK TO BEING FRIENDS WHO ARE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE.  
KARKAT: IF HE’S ACTUALLY YOUR BEST BRO, AND IT SOUNDS LIKE HE IS, HE SHOULD WANT THAT TOO.  
DIRK: Ohhh my god.  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DIRK: Dude.  
DIRK: Karkat.  
KARKAT: ???  
DIRK: That advice _suuuucks_.  
KARKAT: WOW.  
KARKAT: UM  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
DIRK: I just mean it sucks because I don’t want to do it.  
DIRK: _At all_.  
KARKAT: OH.  
DIRK: Don’t worry, you’re good.  
DIRK: All in all, I think it’s actually pretty sound advice.  
DIRK: _So_ much fucking better than Dave’s.  
KARKAT: HAHA  
KARKAT: YEAH, I HOPE SO.  
DIRK: Ug.  
DIRK: Do I have to do it now?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD NO!  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD  
KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: DEFINITELY NOT DO IT NOW.  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK STUMBLING DRUNKENLY UP TO HIM IS THE RIGHT WAY TO GO.  
DIRK: Yeah, you’re probably right.  
DIRK: Especially since I already broke up with him in a drug induced frenzy that didn't really even affect me.  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: RIGHT  
DIRK: Makes for a pretty shitty track record.  
KARKAT: IT DOES.  
DIRK: Sigh.  
DIRK: Looks like the party’s pretty much over, though.  
DIRK: I should really get a move on.  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: YOU CAN STAY IF YOU WANT.  
DIRK: No, I don’t want to cramp your style.  
KARKAT: DIRK.  
KARKAT: DAVE’S PASSED OUT SO HARD ON ME I CAN ONLY INFLATE MY BREATHING SACKS TO HALF THEIR NORMAL CAPACITY.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT CRAMPING SHIT.  
DIRK: Heh.  
DIRK: Are you sure?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: Um.  
DIRK: Thanks man.  
DIRK: For everything.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: THANKS FOR KEEPING AN EYE ON DAVE WHILE HE WAS SHITASS DRUNK.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Of course.  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS.  
KARKAT: THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED WITH ROSE, AND SHE JUST PASSED THE FUCK OUT.  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE ROCKETING UP THE DRUNK SIBLING ECHELADDER.  
DIRK: Oh shit.  
DIRK: I’m fuckin’...  
DIRK: Like...  
DIRK: Inebroated...  
DIRK: Um.  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: I got nothin’.  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK.  
KARKAT: INEBROATED WAS A REALLY SOLID START.  
DIRK: It’s definitely not my best.  
KARKAT: OK  
DIRK: Karkat.  
KARKAT: UH HUH?  
DIRK: I think I might be really fuckin’ drunk.  
KARKAT: YEAH, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE.  
DIRK: Damn.  
KARKAT: GO TO SLEEP, DIRK.  
DIRK: Okay.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN COME UP WITH A REALLY GOOD ECHELADDER JOKE IN THE MORNING.  
DIRK: Yeah...  
DIRK: I know I will...  
DIRK: Those stupid fuckin’ echeladders...  
DIRK: Make no goddamn sense...  
DIRK: Disgrace to good...  
DIRK: Word...  
DIRK: Play...  
DIRK: ...  
KARKAT: GOODNIGHT, DIRK.  



	2. Chapter 2

Minutes in the past... But not too many minutes...  


DAVE: ohhhh shit wait hold up  
DAVE: whered the thing go  
DIRK: What thing?  
DAVE: the thing the fuckin thing  
DIRK: ?  
DAVE: the bottle opener  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Ummmmm...  
DIRK: I have no fuckin’ clue.  
DIRK: You didn’t, like, throw it, did you?  
DAVE: throw it man why would i throw it  
DIRK: I don’t know.  
DIRK: I don’t know what else could have happened to it.  
DAVE: i dont know either but i sure as shit didnt throw it ok that makes no goddamn sense  
DIRK: Huh.  
DAVE: well what the fuck  
DAVE: what do we do now  
DIRK: Hold on.  
DIRK: I’ll......  
DIRK: Let me get my katana.  
DAVE: ahaha  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: nothin thats just like  
DAVE: im pretty sure that sentence has to precede either the coolest shit ever or the least cool shit ever  
DIRK: What the fuck?  
DAVE: yep sorry there is nothin in between those two extremes  
DIRK: Yeah, well this is gonna be cool as fuck.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
DIRK: Hell yeah.  
DIRK: It’s motherfuckin’ _sabrage_.  
DAVE: what the fuck is that  
DIRK: It’s French.  
DAVE: ok  
DIRK: Yeah it’s when you cut off the top of a champagne bottle with a saber.  
DIRK: Old timey French dudes were pretty much constantly sabragin’ up and down the goddamn Champagne region like it wasn’t even a thing.  
DAVE: no shit  
DIRK: Yes shit.  
DIRK: It was awesome.  
DAVE: haha well damn  
DAVE: can you do that is that like a skill you have are you a sabrageurerer  
DIRK: I mean, I’ve never done it with a bottle.  
DAVE: oh  
DIRK: But it works like a goddamn dream on a can of peaches.  
DAVE: ahahaha  
DAVE: ok sweet im sold lets hit up the weapon pile  
DIRK: What?  
DIRK: No.  
DIRK: You stay there.  
DIRK: It’s not safe.  
DAVE: what why not  
DIRK: Because you’re fucking wasted, Dave, that’s why not.  
DAVE: what so are you  
DIRK: I’m fine.  
DIRK: Just sit tight.  
DIRK: Let me handle it.  
DAVE: no fuck that this is such bullshit im comin too  
DIRK: God dammit.  
DIRK: Dave-  
DAVE: oh!  
DAVE: oh shit  
DAVE: hold up  
DIRK: What’s up?  
DAVE: check it out its the thing the little opener guy  
DAVE: fuck i guess i was sittin on it the whole time haha how bout that  
DIRK: Nice.  
DAVE: told you i didnt fuckin throw it that woulda been so dumb  
DIRK: Yeah it would have been.  
DIRK: Open one for me too.  
DAVE: yeah i gotchu  
DIRK: Thanks.  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: hey dirk  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: check this out  
DIRK: Oh my god!  
DIRK: Seriously??  
DAVE: ahahaaha  
DIRK: Hahaha!  
DIRK: What the fuck, man?  
DAVE: you didnt think i was gonna actually throw it did you  
DIRK: Well, no.  
DIRK: ‘Cause you said it would be dumb as hell.  
DAVE: yeah and was it  
DIRK: What, dumb?  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: Haha yeah, it really fuckin’ was.  
DIRK: God damn.  
DIRK: I don’t think we’re finding that thing.  
DAVE: yeah shit its so gone  
DIRK: Haha fuck!  
DIRK: I guess now I’ll definitely have to sabrage the next one.  
DAVE: naw im pretty sure were outta bottles  
DIRK: Holy fuck are we really?  
DAVE: uhhhh  
DAVE: yeah yep these are the last ones shows over  
DIRK: Well fuck.  
DAVE: gotta savor that shit  
DAVE: make it last  
DIRK: I just drank a good...  
DIRK: Uh...  
DIRK: Thirty percent of mine.  
DAVE: ahahaha  
DAVE: holy damn man  
DIRK: Fuuck.  
DAVE: ahaha  
DAVE: guess youll just have to do your sweet ass katana trick next time  
DIRK: I guess so.  
DAVE: shit i forgot swords could have just like  
DAVE: straight up practical purposes  
DIRK: Oh fuck yeah.  
DIRK: The sword is an unsung hero of multipurpose usage.  
DIRK: Unsung until now.  
DIRK: Because I’m gonna be singin’ all about it.  
DAVE: yeah youre just gonna like  
DAVE: write a whole ballad bout the time you fuckin gutted a fish with an anime sword  
DIRK: Yeah I absolutely am and grown men are gonna fuckin’ weep when they hear it.  
DIRK: The hardest of dudes are gonna fall to their knees.  
DAVE: oh no doubt  
DIRK: What’s your verse gonna be about?  
DAVE: holy shit i get a verse  
DIRK: Yeah of fuckin’ course you do.  
DIRK: This is no two-bit operation we’re running here.  
DIRK: This is a god damned epic of...  
DIRK: Epic proportions.  
DAVE: ahaha  
DAVE: shiit man i dont have any good sword stories  
DIRK: What?  
DIRK: No.  
DIRK: There’s absolutely no way that’s true.  
DAVE: no i swear it totally is i got nothin  
DIRK: Whaaat?  
DAVE: how bout we just like  
DAVE: make up some cool shit about me slaying a dragon  
DAVE: fuck wait no terezis mom was a dragon we cant do that thats like  
DAVE: hella culturally insensitive  
DIRK: Oh fuck, we can’t have that.  
DAVE: yeah whatever who cares its your fuckin epic of swordtimes past i dont need a verse  
DIRK: Well, that’s a little lame.  
DAVE: look im sorry ok i just really wasnt about that  
DAVE: i had a runin with karkat one time and  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: just stopped after that  
DIRK: Oh.  
DAVE: yeah im surprised i even still knew how to use it in that big old showdown  
DAVE: guess its not all that hard huh hahahaha its pretty much just press a to swing  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: ( _Fuck_.)  
DIRK: Dave, I am _so_ fucking sorry!  
DAVE: karkat was so chill about it tho oh my god  
DIRK: What?  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: About your... uh... run-in?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: like we werent even dating or anything at all then  
DAVE: we were just kinda weird friends like bros of the real shaky variety  
DAVE: and he was still  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: SO fucking nice to me holy shit  
DAVE: i was like what the fuck whys this dude bein so nice to me after i straight up almost fucking chopped his arm off  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
DIRK: What?  
DAVE: yeah i mean ok thats a little bit of an exaggeration  
DAVE: it was pretty fuckin bad tho  
DIRK: Jesus.  
DAVE: yeah but then he was just like naw its cool im a troll itll just grow back  
DIRK: Wait.  
DIRK: Is that true?  
DAVE: haha no i just made that the fuck up  
DIRK: Oh.  
DAVE: but that was  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: his general ATTITUDE you know  
DAVE: what he actually said was shit dave this isnt even a big deal folks were like gettin stabbed on the daily on my planet dont even worry about it were beyond chill you an me  
DAVE: thats pretty much a direct quote  
DIRK: Ha!  
DAVE: yeah and then he wound up like  
DAVE: kinda mostly takin care of me and my sad ass even tho he was the one fuckin bleeding all over the damn place  
DIRK: Shit.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: you wanna hear somethin dumb as hell  
DIRK: Yeah, sure.  
DAVE: ok cool cuz im gonna tell it to you now  
DIRK: Hit me.  
DAVE: i was worried for a long time  
DAVE: at first  
DIRK: About what?  
DAVE: i know this sounds stupid  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: i was worried that like  
DAVE: i only liked karkat  
DAVE: because  
DAVE: he was the first person who was actually nice to me  
DAVE: you know  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Oh fucking shit.  
DIRK: Um...  
DAVE: oh fuck man no chill this isnt like some big secrets been eating me up or anything  
DAVE: im not like spillin my heart out karkat and i are so cool  
DAVE: i mean OBVIOUSLY i dont worry bout that anymore cuz pretty much everybody else i met was also nice at least way more than i was used to  
DIRK: :|  
DAVE: and i didnt shack up with any of them or even like go out of my way to be their bffs  
DAVE: so whatever we got goin on im a hundred percent confident its actually the real deal dont even stress  
DIRK: :|  
DAVE: but maybe also dont tell karkat i said this  
DAVE: like i have mentioned it to him before its not a secret or anything we tell each other all our shit like that hes all into  
DAVE: “open communication”  
DAVE: so it wouldnt be a problem  
DAVE: but hed still prolly cry a little  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: on my behalf i think?  
DIRK: 8|  
DAVE: the dude cries at fucking everything its pretty god damn adorable  
DAVE: one time the coffee maker ran outta water at like the exact level karkat wanted so he could add some milk and i shit you not the dude had red eyes for the rest of the god damn day it was the most ridiculous and at the same time cutest fucking thing  
DAVE: get you somebody looks at you the way karkat looked at the coffee machine after that  
DAVE: shit i wish he looked at me like that  
DAVE: haha jk he does he always does fuck that coffee maker  
DAVE: god damn i love that son of a bitch where the fuck is he  
DAVE: im gonna text him  
DAVE: oh shit wait where the fuck is my phone oh my god i didnt throw it did i  
DAVE: awwww snap thats right its in the fuckin weapon pile  
DAVE: god dammit  
DAVE: i dont wanna fucking get up  
DIRK: Um.  
DIRK: I...  
DIRK: I think he should be back soon.  
DIRK: Remember we portioned out the beer so it’d last until he got back?  
DAVE: yeah but dude we fuckin slammed those things did we account for that in our equations im not sure we did  
DIRK: Hmmmmmm...  
DAVE: and since our phones are over there gettin all cozy with your sabraginateuror i cant even ask him if hes comin back  
DAVE: mannn  
DIRK: I’m sure it’ll actually be pretty soon.  
DAVE: hope so  
DIRK: And look, in the interest of getting this out before we have a fucking audience,  
DIRK: Um.  
DIRK: I just want to say I’m sorry, Dave.  
DAVE: what sorry for what  
DIRK: For you know...  
DIRK: All the shit you went through.  
DAVE: oh what the hell man dont do that  
DIRK: I _really_ feel like I should.  
DAVE: noooooo no no no dude you already did that  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: it barely even made sense that time  
DIRK: Yeah, but I was trying to push you into talking about fighting, and-  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: its cool  
DAVE: you didnt know  
DIRK: But-  
DAVE: ahh cmon man honestly its fine  
DAVE: karkat used to trip all over my shit in the beginning too  
DAVE: and check him out now  
DAVE: hes a master  
DAVE: except all the times he still fuckin beefs it occasionally  
DAVE: but thats chill too  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: its cool  
DAVE: ok?  
DIRK: ...Okay.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: nice  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: man where the fuck do you think that bottle opener landed do you think it went far  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hit 200 subscribers and 10,000 kudos this week. To celebrate, here’s some drunken chaos.

A few more minutes in the past... But not too few...  


DIRK: I don’t think that was ever a thing in our session.  
DAVE: oh yeah it wasnt in ours either but i think that was  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: the point?  
DAVE: maybe?  
DIRK: The point was that it was never a thing?  
DAVE: yeah pretty sure  
DIRK: That sounds incredibly fucking stupid.  
DAVE: well yeah sure but thats part of it too  
DIRK: Dave, what the fuck are you talkin’ about man?  
DAVE: im talkin bout the ultimate riddle  
DIRK: Yeah I know, me too.  
DIRK: That is the topic of conversation.  
DIRK: But you don’t seem to know a single goddamn thing about it, dude.  
DIRK: And you’re using that as, like, _proof_ that it means something.  
DAVE: well yeah sure why not  
DIRK: Uh...  
DAVE: look all im sayin is  
DAVE: like literally the only thing i want to say  
DAVE: is just this one thing  
DIRK: Okay.  
DAVE: so can i say it please  
DIRK: Yeah absolutely dude say it.  
DIRK: Maybe it’ll clear some shit up here.  
DAVE: ok the thing im sayin is  
DAVE: the ultimate riddle doesnt mean shit  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: so by the like  
DAVE: rule of inversion  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: that means it stands to reason that theres a chance it also actually loops all the way the fuck around and means everything  
DIRK: Everything.  
DAVE: all the things  
DIRK: The Rule of Inversion isn’t a thing.  
DAVE: sure it is  
DIRK: No man, no.  
DAVE: yeah definitely its like  
DAVE: poetic symmetry  
DIRK: Haha yeah?  
DAVE: HELL yeah  
DAVE: i know these things i am a poet king  
DIRK: Oh shit, like King David?  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: The Book of Psalms.  
DAVE: dude what the fuck are you talkin about  
DIRK: King David was a...  
DIRK: Um...  
DIRK: King.  
DAVE: ok  
DIRK: Sorry, I thought you were talking about the Bible.  
DAVE: what the fuck the bible  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: man no im not talkin about the bible or king dave or whatever  
DIRK: David.  
DAVE: yeah exactly my names not david  
DIRK: Whoa.  
DIRK: Seriously?  
DAVE: yeah no its just dave  
DIRK: What the fuck?  
DAVE: why whats wrong with that  
DIRK: Nothing’s wrong with it.  
DAVE: damn right  
DIRK: It’s just that means...  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: That means my alternate self fuckin’ found a baby and goddamn named it Dave.  
DAVE: hahhaha yeah guess so  
DIRK: That is _ridiculous_.  
DAVE: ahaah yeah pretty much  
DIRK: Sorry about that.  
DAVE: naw its cool you didnt name shit  
DAVE: also daves great fuck i dont wanna be david i dont wanna be rhymin in the shadow of some crusty old bible king  
DIRK: Yeah that makes sense.  
DAVE: gotta forge my own path  
DIRK: Do you forge your own path?  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: I mean.  
DIRK: Shit.  
DIRK: The poetry.  
DIRK: Do you write your own poetry?  
DAVE: oh yeah all varieties  
DAVE: like im no stranger to the chronic obviously thats def the biggest glob of paint sloppin around on my palette  
DIRK: Mm.  
DIRK: Same.  
DAVE: oh yeah you too?  
DIRK: Definitely.  
DAVE: fuck yeah  
DAVE: yeah but i can also pretty much just write you a poem for all seasons im like a fuckin wunderkindle  
DAVE: i wrote this poem about kanaya once  
DAVE: i mean i didnt write it as me kanayas chill shes a good friend but i wasnt like tryna get with her or anything especially not with the power of my rhymes you know theyre just too strong it wouldnt be fair to anybody involved  
DIRK: Okay...  
DAVE: yeah so i just wrote it as rose i was deeeep under gothic lesbian cover  
DIRK: Haha!  
DAVE: the mission fuckin failed tho the end result was deemed too incredibly sexy by the un  
DAVE: dudes in hazmat suits had to bury it in the desert under cement  
DAVE: put up a warning sign that can be read by all languages and cultures far into the future  
DIRK: Damn.  
DAVE: yeahhhh it was tight  
DIRK: How’d it go?  
DAVE: the poem  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: ok it was like  
DAVE: uhhh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: your horns... are hot  
DIRK: Haha!  
DAVE: no no shit  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: that wasnt  
DAVE: that was not it at all ok you gotta believe me  
DAVE: it was actually so dope im not really doin it justice right now ask me later i got it written down somewhere  
DIRK: Oh yeah, I will.  
DIRK: Definitely.  
DAVE: sweet  
DAVE: dang what were we talkin about before that  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: The Ultimate Riddle.  
DAVE: oh shit thats right  
DAVE: so did we solve it or what  
DIRK: No, I don’t think so.  
DIRK: I mean...  
DIRK: I’m pretty fuckin’ sure we still haven’t even established what it is.  
DAVE: fuck!  
DAVE: hope it wasnt important  
DIRK: Well we finished the game.  
DIRK: So the evidence pretty much suggests it was just a MacGuffin.  
DAVE: a what?  
DIRK: A MacGuffin.  
DIRK: Like,  
DIRK: Ummmmmmm,  
DIRK: The guy.  
DIRK: You know.  
DAVE: no i so dont what guy who are we talkin about  
DIRK: The fuckin’...  
DIRK: Casablanca-ass detective motherfucker!  
DAVE: ??  
DIRK: Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhumphrey Bogart!!  
DAVE: whoa  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: Him.  
DAVE: what about him  
DIRK: You don’t know who he is?  
DAVE: sure he was one of those insufferable old timey movie pricks with the horrible fake english accents  
DIRK: Actually, Bogart’s rise in popularity was one of the biggest nails in the coffin for the Mid-Atlantic accent in film.  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: It's just interesting.  
DAVE: sure fine but what does humphrey bogart have to do with the ultimate riddle thats what were tryna solve youre all over the fuckin place dude youre on accents now  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: He played Spades Slick.  
DAVE: what no he didnt  
DIRK: Sure he did.  
DAVE: no  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DAVE: no dude no  
DIRK: Look, Dave, there’s no point in arguing about this.  
DIRK: I just know these things.  
DIRK: We’re talkin’ about the quintessential, prototypical hard boiled detective, the foundation of the entire noir genre.  
DIRK: Canonized forever on screen in 1941 by Humphrey Fuckin’ Bogart-  
DAVE: spades slick  
DIRK: Yes!  
DAVE: dude that was a guy in the fuckin game  
DIRK: What game?  
DAVE: fuckin... the game we played  
DAVE: sburb  
DIRK: No way.  
DAVE: yeah man definitely  
DAVE: he was karkats jack guy everybody had a jack guy  
DAVE: you and i fuckin fought him  
DIRK: D:  
DAVE: i goddamn killed you both at the same time you guys prolly got some weird mortal bond now the least you can do for the nasty fucker is remember hes not humphrey fuckin boggart  
DIRK: Oh my god.  
DAVE: yeah remember now  
DIRK: Oh my _god_!  
DIRK: Who the _dick_ am I thinking of then?  
DAVE: shit man i donno youre the fuckin cinephile here apparently  
DAVE: im not too shabby myself but everythin i know got downloaded by an angry pubescent karkat so its got a real particular lean to it i think im missin some foundational works  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: I can’t get Spades Slick out of my head now.  
DAVE: oh word?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: I honestly can’t...  
DIRK: Fuuuck.  
DAVE: eh itll come to you  
DAVE: you want another beer maybe itll help you think  
DIRK: No, not yet.  
DIRK: I’ve gotta get this first.  
DAVE: you sure  
DIRK: Yeah, definitely.  
DAVE: k  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: so you know-  
DIRK: _Sam Spade_!  
DAVE: ayyy  
DIRK: Oh thank fuck.  
DIRK: I was worried there for a second.  
DAVE: yeah me too  
DIRK: Okay, hit me with another beer.  
DAVE: hell yeah you deserve it after that  
DAVE: here catch  
DIRK: Thanks.  



End file.
